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10 years.

Today was a day of mixed emotions for me. It's various friends birthday today but of course it's also "9/11."

I admire Rob for having the strength to play a free concert in the park today to get away from the journalist hassle. I really don't believe I could have done that. I sat and watched until his father's name was read and then turned it off. The grief is just too much.

To those 100 idiots who burnt the American Flag today outside the british memorial service - you're scum. There is never an excuse to marr such an occassion - no matter what your point is.

Regardless of the politics or religion behind the attack and the events that have followed the important part is to remember all those lives lost. If we do not, then they are lives wasted.

I never want to hear anyone speak of any dead from any war or terrorist attack whether they chose to be involved or were simply caught up in it.

Someone I know lost their father 10 years ago, needlessly. That's all that matters today.

Rest in peace RJH.
Well as I never get time to update my own journal now I thought I'd squeeze in a quick entry as I have 5 mins. Normally I am too busy writing updates for my little plonky man over at tadpole_db .

I like the last entry - it sounds so happy and optimistic or as I just wrote. Hopy.
I did get my contract extension, so I'm there til the end of March now with the very good chance of another year after that. I'm happy to stay temporary as it allows me time to think and it makes it easier to contemplate leaving and doing something else.

I don't know if that something else will be Holland or another baby or what really but it makes me feel like I have more options and as I get the same benefits and salary and etc as a permenant there's no need to change.

Life is still so full and busy and happy and I've settled into being Mama far better than I ever thought or dare dreamed I would. So I didn't have a great pregnancy but pff so what, I had a perfect child who makes life easy - I'll live with that.

Other than that I don't have a lot to say, being a mother has taken completely over who I am and oddly I don't care a jot. I make time for my own things and nights out with the girlies and etc but ultimately now I've molded into this new person who has new priorities and new hobbies and choses where to eat by availability of high chairs and baby change facilities.

Dinner is almost ready and I can hear my little man playing so I'm gonna leave this here. It's not much of an entry after all - oops!

An Ode to the end of Maternity Leave

Well tomorrow is the last day of my maternity leave - what a way to "celebrate" it though with Dan's birthday tea out and then my cowboy themed party at work. Might as well end it with a bang haha.

It hasn't been what I expected - but it has been so much better. I didn't get as bored or frustrated as I thought I would. I wasn't as tired and grumpy either thanks to my wonderful Plonky Man and his amazing sleeping habits.  I didn't even have such a nightmare once he was born with regards to my own sleeping habits. There were periods of not sleeping granted but I've definitely had worse.

I am ready to go back to work now in a sense, I need something to do with my brain. Nursery rhymes and playgroups fill the time and I love spending time with Nathan and watching him grow and learn new things but I do need something "more" now. I need a sense of personal purpose I guess.

I've got 6 months until my contract is up for grabs again at work and I've decided to work hard in those 6 months and throw myself into it but at the end of the 6 months if I don't feel like I am enjoying working or I miss Nathan too much then that's that. Either I'll be a stay at home Mama and rock the play group circuit or I'll find something part time.

Life isn't the same as it was 6 months ago when I started Maternity leave. You're pregnant and you think you know what's best for your baby or how life is going to be and you make all these decisions and dream up these idea's but in reality you're just scratching around in the dark wondering where you're going - you just don't realise it at the time.

I am a better person for having Nathan. I'm not as selfish (tho' I didn't consider myself that selfish before.) - I feel more. More love, more anger, more remorse, more guilt, more joy, more everything. I tear up a hundred times a week at the tv, at books, at people. 100 times a day at my sleeping bundle of joy.

I say frequently how Motherhood is the hardest job I've ever had and yet I've taken to it far easier than I could ever imagine. Yeah I've had a gentle ride compared to some new mums when it comes to the sleepless nights but that's just making up for all my pregnancy pain and sleepness nights. All the delivery nightmare and the saga that finally ended 10 weeks after delivery when my scar finally decided healing was for the best.


I recalled my dreadful pregnancy and  labour to Jan today and realised for the first time how much of a rough ride I had.

Pregnancy depression from 3 weeks when I found out
SPD from 18 weeks
2 days of failed induction
missed back to back baby
cord wrapped around Nathan's neck
labour midwife being so awful to us at a time when you need compassion and support
emergency c-section
mastitis
scar infection.

The list reads like a what not to do for labour and pregnancy yet I would do it ALL again. Right now if my choice was keeping Plonky but having to do another 9 months. I'd say bring it on. I have 2 wonderful males in my life who I couldn't do with out and I'd never go back in time now to just having the one.

I don't know what I did with my spare time before or how I ever considered myself fulfilled and I do have the feeling that being at work is no longer going to be the same before. I've had my Compass access re-instated for over a week now, I've thought about logging on twice and yet came nowhere near to doing it. My priorities have changed and I can't see M being able to fear me back into caring enough besides at the end of the 6 months if she didn't renew my contract because I didn't work at the same manic level as beforehand then it only proves that I don't want to be there anyway and I'd rather be at home. So if she doesn't renew me she's doing me a favour. - Damn she's likely to offer me a renewal just to be mean.

So yes I guess all the writing above is just my way of saying I'm happy and that life as a Mama is good.

I am proud of myself and my little men for the things we've acomplished and for how easy we have settled into being a family of 3. I don't miss night outs or the cinema as I'd rather stay home have Plonky snuggles and endless laughs and watch the tv just the 3 of us than miss a minute of him for the sake of saying I went out.
People tell you that life as a couple is hard once you have a baby - that's not true.
Life as a couple NO longer exists - you're a family of 3 now. Yeah you can have romance and date nights but you both wonder how the little one is and that's ok.
I prefer being a family to a couple any day and I still get my share of romance and love from the husband. I guess I'm just having my cake and eating it lol.

I'm going to stop here as this is getting longer and longer and longer and I can sum it all up so easily.
Ik hou van jullie.
La vie est belle :) 

Feb. 16th, 2011

Being in Holland hasn't quite turned out the fun I thought it would be.

Mieke's hurt her foot which is impacting on what she can do.
Pete has too much on and isn't that well so that's impacting on what he can do.
I could do more to help but I'm not allowed. Tho I'm doing sneaky bits here and there when no one can prove it was me although they know it was.

It's still very relaxing being here even with all the drama llama. There's something about just being out in the country I guess and looking over their giant pond is good too.

Nate ofc loves being here, and it's good that he's spending time with them and getting used to them and reacting to them.

There is other drama llama which is annoying me but I won't go into all that. Until I decide what I'm going to do about it there's not much point banging on about it.

People are so disappointing at times tho'. But you live, you learn.
Meh I'm feeling melancholy right now! 

I knew clearing out would do this to me. It always sodding does - this must be why I'm a hoarder. It avoids me having to deal with things from my past lol.

I don't even know what thing has bothered me.

Photo's from my engagement party to Arran
Birthday and Christmas cards I didn't give Mum
Generally thinking about the past

or something else altogether.

Having talked about Nancy and teaching and etc with Chris earlier probably hasn't helped.

Meh meh meh
It's not as if I'm even unhappy with the life I have cos I'm not. It's the absolute opposite. I love the little life we've made for ourselves. I love being a wife and a mother and yet can't believe I am. It's been a whirlwhind 30 odd months and I wouldn't change the result of it at all.

So what's this all about then ey?
I'm blaming the Ipod - it played me sad songs to kick me when I was down.

But it must be trying to make ammends now as it's playing me Fools Rush in UB40 style which always makes me smile.

I know this week is going to be horrid. Maybe it's that.
But at least at the end of it I get to escape to De Lier to my lovely inlaws who will take the strain off by looking after Plonky if we need a rest after our manic week and who will comfort me with wine and lovely food.

So yes - nice music on. Jaw set,
Once more into the breach and all that......

See you at the finish line lol.

Tags:

I am going to be no use to anyone when my baby wakes up in a few hours. I'm so tired but my stomach hurts and I just can't sleep. I was feeling so good after the 9 hrs I got last night but typically I'm going to be wrecked when I start my "working week."

I've watched tv, made lists, played games on the computer and even tho I am sooo tired I just can't shut down. Stupid PCOS!

Meh can't even be bothered to LJ. Think I shall check my wow auctions.

New Years resolutions

Ok so last Jan I wrote:

To continue to live life fuller than I did before 09 - easy you're probably thinking. Except for me, this means planning less than I used to, spending more, saving less (which to those of you who know me, you know how hard that is)and taking chances as they come my way without analysing them to death!

To learn dutch - I will make my husband and his lovely family proud of me when I hold my first proper conversation if it kills me!

and finally, the big one, to pick my battles better and not to waste time on silly little grudges. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and a great family both in marriage and in blood and some of the loyalest friends so maybe I don't have to win over them all? lol.
I will learn to forgive those who hurt me this year, I'm not naming them here but we all know who they are. I will learn to let it all go (again if it kills me) and enjoy my time here, around them without thinking everything through so much!

oh this entry is all over the place - i blame the wine.
But the sentiments are hopefully clear! To all those people who hated 2009 and could make the changes that would make them enjoy 2010 - do it. :)

Well this year has certainly been fuller! I did indeed save less and spend more - we bought a brand new car and we certainly took a chance in terms of having Tadpole lol.

I didn't quite manage the learning dutch but I did improve a lot and I'm still continuing so i'm getting there!

I didn't quite manage to pick all my battles but I did learn which ones were worth the aggrevation so again I'm getting there. I didn't quite learn to forgive those I probably should have but some of that was lack of oppertunity so let's see if February improves that.

Motherhood

I finally get it now. When people say you love your child like no one else. It took me a while to fully understand it.

It didn't hit me the first moment I saw him - although I couldn't believe how amazing he was.

It didn't hit me all the million times I've told him I love him, nore the 100 times a day I sing to him.

No, it was him lying there tonight sleeping, combined with writing the journal entries to him and realising that there isn't anything I'd not do for him.

He's perfect and he's innocent and although he can't stay that way unfortunately, I know I'm going to devote myself to making that last as long as it can.

I didn't want a baby for such a long time, it was my way of coping with the "knowledge" that I couldn't have one. Now I have one, I can't imagine how I'd have made it through without one. I guess I'd have worked harder and longer and filled my life with lists and hobbies and holidays and as much as I'd love to be back at work right now to give me structure and routine and a purpose to my day. I know that every day I'm at work I'll also be looking forward to coming home to my little man.

If marrying my wonderful blokie made me soft, then my darling Plonky you've made me mush.
But this isn't a bad thing.
Having so much love is never ever a bad thing :)

Small Pond

l've been noticing lately how many fancy job titles people I know from Uni hold. Some of them I had to google to actually get what the job was!
They've all shipped off to places new and some exciting and some not but I can honestly I don't fancy any of it.

It's funny - when we are at school those of us who were expected to get good grades and go out and get decent jobs were told we were big fish in a small pond and that the world was basically our oyster and we should go out and get it.

At the time I thought this idea was ok - I wasn't too keen on going away but I wasn't against it either . I was ofc young and so didn't really know what I wanted but that's by the by.

Now here I am, degree educated, could have gone for my masters if I'd been bothered (I wasn't at the time but may do it later) and there was nowhere else I wanted to go at the end of it all. I loved Nancy, LOVED LOVED LOVED but it wasn't home. It was a step along the way. Chris and I could have lived in Holland and it seems there are some great teaching jobs there for me and also some language jobs and we'd be bigger fish in De Lier than we are here, some of it down to being Pete's son and wife granted.

But again we chose to be here.
They say home is where the heart is and that's definitely true and whilst I'm getting warmer with the idea of going to Holland once my family numbers have dropped shall we say and I do love the idea of us being able to live in his parents house to stop it having to be sold once they're gone and things like that, I just don't want it yet.

I'm a reasonable size fish (to carry on the analagy) at work. I could climb the greasy pole and be a bigger fish and I think some people are suprised I've not chosen that route. But I remember making tea once in the Investment kitchen when Chris was still in Holland and we weren't even engaged yet - lol I say that like it was FOREVER ago. I was on auto pilot as you do when you're making 14 cups or sommat silly and wondering if I could ever see myself as the little traditional housewifey such as Chris's family do. At the time I suprised myself by being more open to the idea than I could ever imagine it and sometimes I do see it now. But it's funny, I never see it as an option here.

By here, I mean Hartlepool. Whenever I think of myself as a housewife it's always a little dutch one. I don't know why but maybe it's just the cultural difference. Here it's common to work and expected that you will return to work after you pop. There you quite often don't work until the kids are a decent age and even then you only work part time. I am the black sheep in some ways for wanting to return full time and certainly for a couple of years I intend to. Financial implications mean I don't fancy part time as there are things I want to put money aside for and things we'd like to do. However, if being a mummy and wife and working full time don't mix for us then I may have to reconsider this.

I don't want to be Andrea. I don't want the child to be more attached to other people than he is me cos he never see's me. I don't want to find excuses to drop him off at weekends and evenings - that's time we should spend together even if it is harder to get the shopping done or whatnot. I'm not sure how this being a mother malarky is going to work out. Either I'll get it or I won't but I think with enough effort we should get by :)
I can't promise to be mother earth like Mieke or Ineke but for once I can actually sorta see (somewhere off in the distance) that life isn't all about working and being successful and having nice things and whatnot. Maybe it is about snuggles and making a meal for my husband and being there not long after he finishes work so we can drink tea and chat instead of staying late to try to be better thought of at work and whatnot. Tho maybe that cuppa tea routine will instead become cuddles and baby baths lol.

Lol this getting married malarky has made me soft - but I think I can live with that.

Still no sleep

 This baby making malarky is starting to be a pain.
He's absolutely fine in the day, gets to night time and he thinks he's John Travolta and it's DISCO time.
The heartburn is starting to drive me mad as Gaviscon takes away the burn (yuk- evil stuff) but then I just get so nauseaus that twice in 2 days I've been lying there green saying to Chris oooh just let me be sick!

I had a feeling not working would mess up my body clock. I just didn't expect it to be down to Tadpole's rigglyness. It's getting worse as well, what was 2 became 3 and then last night it must have been almost half 4.
Thank God Chris sleeps like the dead so I can actually get up and do things or I think i'd have gone mad by now.

I've packed up the things i've sold on ebay tonight while he's asleep.
I played wow last night.
Really I should fold and put away Tadpole's clothes but I think I'll leave that til proper morning (as in, when i wake up lol)

Must, must get the house in some semblance of order tomorrow. Need to finish the nursery off so i can send people pics too.
I want the house to be 90% done so if Tadpole suddenly does arrive there's not much tidying/hiding to be done before the visitors arrive (lol)

Might as well do a few things from the todo list while I can't sleep.