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Aug. 12th, 2014

I wrote that entry a couple of days ago and just had chance to post it - I'd written it in word you see when there were people around and no space to LJ.

I'm sad and I'm angry and this is the third friend who has died in 2 years and 2 months and its so damn unfair.

Marie Helene was 31, died on the operating table having her first child. A Procedure i've had twice now and still dont' understand how it claimed her life.

Sandra was 61 and had bowel cancer which unfortunately turned terminal brain cancer shortly before her death when it all seemed so well and came as a big surprise to us all.

And Jenny was 30 and appears to have fallen down the stairs at home. How can it be that its ok for 30 year olds to fall down the stairs and die? That we may never know for sure how or when. Though hopefully today's postmortem will clarify some of that.

I want to rage and to shout, to cry and to storm but I can't because I have a breastfed baby who I can't really leave long enough to do it. I want to walk in the rain and the wind and feel but as I realised the other night when we were all walking back from the goats being a mum means you don't get the chance to feel at the moments you previously would have. No it's a case of gritting your teeth and waiting until you can have 5 minutes for yourself.

Both Jenny and Marie Helene would have been fantastic mothers, far more patient and tactile than I was pre children. Far more gentle and inspiring, like San they were warm and kind and had time for other people often putting others before themselves too much. No they weren't perfect, no one is and I hate that people insist on making perfect after death. Let's not strip away the negatives completely, otherwise we strip away a sense of the person, no instead let's wilfully focus on the good.

I don't know where I am going with this, only that in the absence of space to grieve properly I am instead writing in here trying to make some space for thoughts as my head is full.
And how ironic that as I was in the hospital waiting to hear if I had some awful disease which would result in a lot of medicine and a long recovery Jenny was having the last few moments of her life. I of course am fine, couple of weeks of pills and rest and hey presto good as new.

I wish we were all so lucky.