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Learning more about San and how she died today has been both great and bad. I learnt she didn't suffer and that she was her cheeky self right to the end but its still so sad that she was so weak in the end. I hate the idea of someone so vibrant and full of life being so "small" towards the end.

I can't believe that in August I was telling her about baby and we were making plans and now she's gone before baby arrives. I am so glad i went to see Hilda, I was nervous about how it would go, would we be upset? would my hormones get the better of me? but it was funny and nice and we shared our memories and there wasn't a single tear in sight. San would be proud!

We're still undecided on our future and that's ok. We have one, we have the time to make plans and also to take one day at a time. San was still making plans all through her original diagnosis, hard to believe that was only 3 and a bit years ago. Nathan was weeks old and it was all a blur of Nana being ill and the anger at her being asked to wait while someone else was treated and then the whirlwhind of knowing it was Sandra and that she was most definitely worse than Nana. Hearing almost a year ago it had spread to her brain was hard, but then hearing all was well was great and then there was the stroke just before christmas and then alas the downside.

Not really sure where I am going with this.