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Feb. 10th, 2012

Some time last year, before I even went back to work so around 10/11/12 months ago I was sitting here writing about Motherhood and how amazing it had turned out and how well it was going and etc. I wrote about how much I loved le plonk and what a great time we were having and we still are don't get me wrong.

I just didn't expect Motherhood to mean as much to me as it did in relation to other people. I remember a LONG time ago Dre telling me it made her closer to Nana now she could understand what she'd gone through and how she needed that help from someone who understood. Now it's weird because that resonates with me for a whole different reason.

I've never had a proper or remotely normal relationship with Mum. I've come to terms with the fact we never will. I'm just not sure if I can come to terms with our relationship being as it is at the moment. I feel like I've had to make a choice between my baby and my mother and it doesn't seem quite fair.

He's 15 months and she's seen him once. We haven't even settled on what he will call her and this saddens me. I spent so long while I was pregnant being frightened of turning into her or frightened of the impact she might be able to have on him and just when I'd decided i'd take the risk and let her into our lives a little, poof she's gone.

I've not seen her in months and she's been in and out for 18 months now. I'm so angry that the mental health "professionals" and her so called friends made decisions without me that have cost her so dearly. I'm cross that there's nothing I can do to help her right now especially because no one "professional" seems to want to get her help or even help me to help her.

But then on the other hand my relationship with Mieke has been cemented by having Nathan and she to many purposes is the mother I never had. Don't get me wrong I already had 2 wonderful "mum" stand ins in Dre and Nana and I love them dearly and I'm still in Hartlepool now because I want to be here near to them and to keep an eye on Nana but Mieke's the version of a mum that all daughters should get when they become Mums.

I don't know where this is going. I'm sad tonight because work is hard at the moment and with Nathan having been so ill I'm beyond tired. I'm sad that we apparently have to "work smarter" and instead of any appreciation of our efforts we only got derision. I'm sad that I'm out 40 hrs a week doing a job I normally love and being away form my baby and getting no appreciation of my efforts.

Except that isn't strictly true. I've had 4 compliments and gifts from customers since we started doing the appointments. Compared to precisely 0 from the forms. So I am making some difference to the people who do matter. My little old dears, and my single mums and my vulnerables who need that TLC. I'm just not going to get any support from my colleagues or management it seems.
Good job I'm thick skinned!

But when I think about walking away I think of all the people who won't get helped if i'm replaced by either N or S and I can't leave. I know it's only a simple job on paper, that I fill in forms and make housing decisions and visit confused people but in reality I take a lot of fear/doubt away from people. I deal with people that no one else wants to help and I help them because I want to, not because I have to.

So why can't someone out there help Mum? There must be someone out there like me who she can find, who can get through to her the way I get through to the "lovelies?"

It's bloody typical that I spent all those years wondering what the hell to do with her and how to fit her alongside everything else in my life and just where I get to a point where she finally fits and she could have a proper part and fit in well she ups and bloody leaves and turns it all upside down again.

I love you mum, I just wish you'ld make it easier to love you at times!
That said, I hope you're safe and well and when you finally get bored of this and come back I'll help you get another house and more furniture and we'll replace the things you lost from when I was little with Plonky Pictures and drawings and all the mother's day and birthdays and christmas' you've missed.

I think it's times like this that I appreciate being a christian the most. I can take comfort in the idea that all this is going somewhere, that there's a reason behind the madness even if I don't know what it is. It makes me glad that I have trust and faith.
But now I'm going to believe in love and go and find the husband because I need a hug!!